


some people find the beauty in all of this (i go straight to the dark side of the abyss)

by teenagedenigma



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Happy Ending, M/M, Sad Louis, Worried Harry, but it could potentially be triggering? maybe?, but then i realized h&l deserve a happy ending in every universe they could ever possibly coexist in, but!!!!, compass&ship and rope&anchor and all that, so proceed with caution, this isn't all that dark, this was going to be a lot sadder, unsure zayn niall and liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 08:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1544321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teenagedenigma/pseuds/teenagedenigma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis doesn't eat. everybody knows, but nobody really seems to care. except maybe harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	some people find the beauty in all of this (i go straight to the dark side of the abyss)

**Author's Note:**

> please note: i know very very VERY little about anorexia. i've dealt with extremely poor body image, and have often times tried to will myself not to eat, but i've never actually suffered anorexia, and have done only a minimal reading on it. that being said, i may not have accurately portrayed it in this story. i originally planned on making it a bigger part of the story, but as i kept writing i realized that louis wouldn't see it as a problem, and since it's from his point of view, it was best i didn't write it as a big huge colossal deal. because of that, i don't think this wold be too terribly triggering, BUT PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS. if this a personal issue for you, i advise you to close this window, and possibly even speak to a friend or a trusted adult. 
> 
> despite what the media and books say, eating disorders and depression and anything related are nothing to be romanticized. they hurt, and sometimes they even kill. if you think you have a problem with anything of the sort, i advise you to seek help.
> 
> that said, i hope you enjoy this. i started it in a particularly dark time, but finished when i was in a better mood, so the ending is much lighter then originally intended. oops.
> 
> i still don't own one direction...... yet.......
> 
> title from one foot wrong by the goddess more commonly known as p!nk.

"so." niall's chewing with his mouth open, _again,_  and it's disgusting. louis can feel his stomach churning, and he kind of wants to throw up. then again, he kind of always does.

"lads' night at mine? harry's cooking?" zayn and liam make similar sounds of agreement. harry sighs but still nods in acceptance. and then they're all looking at louis, and really? they're still inviting him to these things?

"yeah, alright." he's still agreeing to come, so.

the boys all send him lingering smiles before turning back to their lunches. if harry watches louis just a little bit longer and just a bit more fondly than the others, well. that's no one's business but his own.

\---

the thing is, louis doesn't eat. well, he does, but only when he has to. he hates it. hates food.

it's not like he really tries to hide it. he doesn't eat lunch at school, doesn't eat when his friends drag him out to do things. he sleeps in so he won't have time to eat breakfast. his mom has the night shift at the hospital, so no one's there to make him eat dinner. he starts to run out of reasons  _to_  eat, actually, and it's not like anyone cares if he starves himself to the point he gets dizzy just from sitting down too quickly.

he wants to be light. wants to weigh so little that the wind could scoop him up and carry him miles and miles away. his goal weight is zero.

harry insists the only reason louis will never weigh less than a hundred is because his heart is so big. louis thinks maybe it's the sadness weighing him down.

\---

halfway through the second movie ( _titanic,_  because harry won't come if they don't play it), louis stands and says he's going to get another bottle of water. he feels a pair of eyes follow him up the stairs and out of niall's basement, but he doesn't pay attention to it.

once he's reached the kitchen, louis rests his balled up fists on the island and squeezes his eyes shut. his head is spinning and his stomach is growling and he's so, so tired. after he's caught his breath, he rights himself and walks slowly to the fridge. the chill when he opens the door is awful, spreading across his skin and seeping into his already cold bones.

louis grabs two bottles of water from the fridge and quickly slams the door shut, ignoring the way his stomach cries out when he sees all the crap niall's got in his fridge— enough to feed a small army, probably. he walks backwards a few steps until he's resting against the counter, sagging his shoulders as he takes a few large gulps from the first bottle. he finishes it off in under a minute, crushes the plastic in his hands and tosses it into the rubbish bin under the sink. his stomach turns almost uncomfortably cold, but the liquid settling suddenly in his stomach sates his hunger pains, so louis chalks that up to a win. he closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths, trying not to let his mind stray into Dangerous Territory. it does anyway.

listening to the boys gush over how hot kate winslett is had gotten to be too much. niall had raved on and on about her legs and her tits and her ass, while zayn and liam murmured in agreement. although he's not all that into girls, even louis has to admit that she's quite lovely. what really stings, though, is the way harry's eyes stay glued to leonardo in awe every time he has a scene. so, ninety percent of the movie.

louis doesn't know why he bothers coming to these movie nights. it's the same each time.

\---

the very first ever movie night, before louis had stopped eating, the boys had each brought their favourite movie over to harry's house and piled onto his too-small bed. about one-third of the way into  _titanic,_  harry and leaned over to louis and told him in a hushed tone, "you look a bit like leo dicaprio, lou."

louis had forced a smirk and replied, "he's got nothing on me, harold." he'd felt like crying when harry had laughed and agreed.

\---

"hey." louis glances up as zayn walks into the kitchen, scratching at his hip. his aren't as wide as louis's are.

"hi."

"i'm getting a beer," zayn explains, opening the fridge to do just that. "you want one?"

louis smiles tightly. "no, thank you."

zayn chews on his lip, raising both eyebrows slightly. "anything to eat?"

louis levels him with a flat expression. "you know i don't eat," he says quietly, dryly.

zayn gives the slightest of flinches. then, he nods slowly, finally shutting the fridge and popping the lid off his beer. "okay. just thought i'd ask."

louis nods, muttering a thank you before opening his second water and taking a small sip. he forces a small smile in return to the one zayn gives him, and they walk back to the basement side by side.

harry frowns slightly when they reach the bottom of the stairs. he holds out his arms to louis and all but whines, "louuuu, c'mere."

louis rolls his eyes but concedes, sitting down next to his giant of a best friend and leaning back into the denim sofa. harry immediately throws an arm around his shoulder, dragging him closer into a cuddle. louis tenses when harry's hand grabs too low on his arm, where it's widest and flabbiest, but harry almost immediately slides it back up to a Safe Position. harry has had all of louis's Safe Positions memorised for at least four years, now, probably longer. harry knows everything about louis, really.

they finish _titanic_  and put in _the_ _hangover,_  and louis instantly loosens up. his smile almost lingers even as he's walking home.

\---

"you should really eat, lou."

louis glances up from his calculus book, looking warily at harry. "please don't."

harry bites his lip, green eyes glinting sadly, but he presses on. "really, louis. i know— i know you don't believe me, but. you're already beautiful. you don't need to do this."

louis blushes, ducking his head to hide it from harry and pretends to focus on a problem. "i'm really not, haz. just do your homework, love."

if he'd been looking, louis might have seen the way harry's features softened at the endearment. or, maybe he wouldn't have.

\---

liam calls him at two in the morning, a week after harry had called louis beautiful. not that louis remembers the precise date harry said that, or anything. he didn't mark it in his calendar on his phone. that'd be weird.

"h'lo?" he grunts into his phone, shutting his eyes tightly and trying to stifle a yawn.

"lou, louis." and oh, that isn't liam. "baby. i— shit— i broke my phone, borrowed lili's. had so much fun tonight, met this really pretty boy, lou, you'd love him, wow. not as pretty as you, though. never pretty as you. so, so pretty, lou."

"harry," louis sighs, his pulse speeding up stupidly. "harry, how drunk are you, babe?"

"pretty— really drunk. really very really. did you know your name sounds like drooly? that's how i feel when i look at you. and boohoo-y. like when other guys look at you. you have a nice name, lou. lou-boo-drool."

louis snorts, and thankfully harry's saying things stupid enough that they take his focus away from the other things, things he wish were harry's true feelings and not the product of alcohol. "you should get some rest, love. you sound wasted."

"i am, wow. wow, lou, did you know liam has purple underwear? it's like, like a, a.... a flower, what's that purple flower that smells really nice?"

"lavender?"

"yeah, yeah. lavender. liam has lavender underwear. i wonder if it smells like lavender." he stops rambling, then, and louis hears an over exaggerated _sniff_  from the other line. "oh god, no, no no no, nope, not lavender, what the shit."

louis actually bursts out laughing at that, covering his mouth with his hand to try and quiet the sound. the last thing he needs is to wake up the entire neighbourhood. " _harry._ "

"i love when you laugh, louis, so nice. so, so, so nice. you're so lovely."

"are you in bed, haz?"

"yeah," and oh, his voice is a lot lower now. suggestively so. "are you?"

"harry, i'm going to hang up now, and you're going to go to sleep, alright love?" harry whines, but doesn't object. louis wishes him sweet dreams and reminds him to take some paracetamol in the morning. when louis finally falls asleep, it's to his own sweet dreams, ones of green eyes and slow voices and worried smiles.

\---

"so you like boys, yeah?"

louis's with liam and niall at the mall, trying to find something for liam's sister's birthday. niall's chewing with his mouth open yet again, and really, was he raised in a barn? louis's going to ask him just that when the blond gives him a look that says _are you going to answer my question or not._

"ah, yeah. i thought that was obvious?"

niall continues, "and harry likes boys."

louis blinks, raises an eyebrow. "judging by his obsession with leonardo dicaprio, i'd imagine so. but he's never said those exact words, so, i don't know."

"why the sudden fascination with homosexuality, niall?" liam smirks at him, waggling his eyebrows. "got something you aren't telling us?"

"i'm not into dick, pay no, if that's what you're insinuating. mine is enough. i'm asking,"he turns back to louis, smiling all too politely, "because i want to know why harry and louis aren't dating."

"maybe because he has standards for the people he dates. like, people he can actually take to dinner, for example." louis rolls his eyes, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. "and, you know, happy people. pretty people, like dicaprio."

"louis," liam begins, exasperated. "harry's only into leonardo dicaprio because he looked like you when he was younger. that is literally the only reason."

louis shakes his head. the boys don't press further.

\---

harry's staying the night at louis's house when it comes up again.

"i should cook us dinner."

louis cringes, at that, and sighs soundlessly. "harry."

"or we can order a pizza. maybe chinese. let's do it, lou."

"harry," he says. "if you're hungry, i'll make you a sandwich, or something. but we're not ordering a pizza unless you can eat the whole thing."

harry bites his lip and doesn't say anything else. when louis thinks he's finished, just when he thinks he's won, harry speaks up again. "i need you to eat, darling."

he sounds so broken. something about the pitiful tone strikes a nerve in louis. "why? why are you so obsessed with my eating patterns, harry? why can't you just fuck off? it's not your business what i do or don't eat, you know!"

harry flinches, his whole body shrinking in on itself until suddenly louis seems a whole lot bigger than 175 centimetres.

"louis," he says quietly, so quietly. "i love you. i'm in love with you. you're withering away right in front of my eyes, and i— i can't stand it. i need you, please."

and louis, he can't. he can't handle how open and honest and meek and loving harry is, how the boy is reaching out for him, to him. harry's everything louis can't deserve, and he can't stand it. he loves him so much it hurts. so he does the only thing he knows how.

"harry, go home. please."

\---

harry doesn't talk to louis for a month.

_a month._

at first, louis absolutely isolates himself. he goes to the library during lunch, gets to school early and hides in the bathroom until first period starts, and again until everyone has left and there's no one to try to talk to him. he ignores liam and niall and zayn's phone calls and texts and emails, and he stays in his room whenever he's not at school. he's bloody miserable, is the thing, and he positively hates himself. but, he's louis tomlinson, and louis tomlinson is a hurricane, wild and violent and destructive and untameable and everywhere at once, he's not going down without a fight, and he can't lose harry. not like this.

so he climbs in the boy's window at one in the morning.

he's not normally the breaking-and-entering type, per say, but harry's still awake. his light is on and he can see the boy sitting on his bed, journal open on his lap, and harry never locks his window, so it isn't really _breaking in,_  is it.

harry nearly jumps off his bed when he hears louis open the window, poor boy, and his gaze remains wary even as he recognises louis all but falling into his room.

"you should really start locking that, love," louis says as he stands up and brushes off his backside. "no telling what kind of creeps could break in and murder you in your sleep."

"kind of like you did?" harry isn't smiling, but he's not kicking him out, so louis counts it as a good sign.

he pouts jokingly. "i haven't murdered you, now have i?"

"you may as well have." and oh, right, the elephant in the room.

louis takes a deep breath, leaning back against the wall next to the window, holding a hand up to his eyes. "look, harry, i... shit. i don't know, alright? i just. i don't like myself very much, and not eating, like. it distracts me from just how much i dislike myself. and like, I'm a proper prat, i know i am, but... i know you probably don't love me anymore, but can we at least still be friends, maybe? it's." he sighs. "it's so much worse, without you."

louis hears the mattress creak, and then muffled footsteps, and then harry is right there, gathering him up into his ridiculously long arms and kissing the top of his head sweetly.

"louis," he coos sadly. "lou, louis louis louis."

they rock back and forth for a while, wrapped in each other and breathing each other in. it's quiet, comfortable, and then harry speaks up.

"sweetheart, that's not how love works," he murmurs into louis's hair. "i'm not going to stop loving you just because you act like a dick. i've been in love with you since we were thirteen; if you being a prat was going to change that, it would've by now."

louis slaps his arm lightly, smiling into harry's neck. after a while, he tells him, "i— i think i could love you too, eventually. not now, like. i'm not in a place that i could love anyone like that, but. i think later i could."

he can hear the grin forming in harry's voice when he speaks. "does this mean you'd be my boyfriend, if i asked?"

louis nods. "yeah. but like. you have to be patient with me and the eating thing."

harry tenses slightly at that, before relaxing with a sigh and holding louis closer, tighter. "will you try to eat for me? i can't— i need you to eat, darling."

"i'll try, he whispers into harry's sweatshirt, one he thinks he gave harry for a birthday or christmas or some other occasion. "i'll try."

"that's all i'm asking," harry mumbles against his hair. and that's pretty much that.

**Author's Note:**

> this is in no way an insinuation that louis tomlinson is fat, has an eating disorder, or should have an eating disorder. he is the most beautiful and perfect being in existence and i love him (almost as much as one harry styles) and he deserves the entire universe. have a nice day, and eat something yummy ♡♡♡


End file.
